The Godfather is often cited as the “most perfect movie ever made”, Avengers: End Game is getting re-released to firmly smash the record for highest grossing movie of all time, and Casablanca is about a ghost named Humphrey or something. These films stand tall as icons of the medium, but soon even these greats will be overshadowed by a film so wondrous, so pants-wettingly awesome that every other film can only be compared by how not-as-good it is.
Ladies and Gentlemen; Sonic the Hedgehog.
Ok, so the public has been harsh since the Sonic the Hedgehog movie received its first official trailer. They didn’t like the lanky proportions or the too-human-but-not-human-enough facial features of the titular hero. The director himself has said the movie will be reanimated to restore Sonic to his cartoon roots, (to appease those with specific kinks), but it seems some (misguided) folks are still anticipating a flop – but what if I were to tell you that Sonic the Hedgehog will be the single greatest movie of all time?
5. It Is Basically Ace Ventura… But In Reverse
We all know that Jim Carrey is awesome, and he’s especially awesome in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. It just so happens that Sonic the Hedgehog is Ace Ventura, but in reverse. Instead of trying to rescue a captured animal, Doctor Robotnik (Jim Carrey’s beautifully mustached character) is trying to capture an animal that happens to run real fast.
Carrey’s Ace Ventura performance was practically Shakespearean, and I’m pretty sure it is written in the bible that “the man who taught us that we have to P-A-R-T-Y (because we gotta), will be the man who shall usher man forth unto a new generation.”
What new generation? The greatest generation. A generation that knows the 90’s was the best decade, a generation that wields attitude and wears hyper-color, a generation that must go fast. This movie will change society. Forget #MAGA, this is #SMAGA country now (Sonic Made America Great Again).
Dr Robotnik (nee Eggman), with only a handful of gadgets and a pocketful of party favors (in the form of explosions), will join the hallowed ranks of greatest movie villains. Darker than Darth Vader, more ruthless then Freddy Kruger and more charming then Ted Bundy – but why are we gushing over Daddy Eggman? Sonic is supposed to be the hero of this story, which brings us to our next point.
4. Sonic is the Hero We Need
Heroes are all celebrated in different ways. Some receive national holidays, while others are memorialized in their own memoirs or biographies. The greatest heroes receive film adaptations that highlight their heroism, and Sonic is one that deserves it. Also Sonic is (loosely) based on a true story:
Reddit user /u/EhhLeeBee recently told their story in the /r/AskReddit thread, “Redditors with real life “butterfly effect” stories, what happened and what was the series of events and outcomes?”
“I was walking to school and got distracted by a hedgehog that ran in a bush next to me then a big ass tree branch fell infront of me, would’ve crushed me if I didn’t get distracted by a spikey little mouse scurrying in the bushes. I gave him a dead cricket the next day, he took it and ran off. God speed spikey mouse.”
There’s no doubt that this hedgehog was Sonic. Using his masterful powers of distraction, he saved the life of this poor Redditor before they became one with the nature in a seriously gnarly way. The film is highlighting Sonic as what he truly is, a hero. “Just because a film is based on a real life hero doesn’t mean it’ll be good” I hear you say, well, that’s where you’re wrongo, friend.
The trend in Hollywood is for biopics featuring real heroics to receive Oscars and universal acclaim. We’ve seen it with Bohemian Rhapsody, Milk, Capote and The Pianist, and dozens of other films I tell people I’ve seen. These films explore heroics in the face of adversity, and damn it if the Sonic film hasn’t seen some adversity. If Sonic the Hedgehog isn’t Oscar-caliber material then I don’t know what is.
3. And Also, Sonic Gets Shot By Like 500 Missiles In That One Scene
If there’s anything Michael Bay taught us throughout decades of Transformers movies, it’s that we love explosions. With one missile, you can create a nice-sized explosion, but with 500 missiles, you get an awesome freakin’ movie. And this movie will redefine special effects: Matrix bullet time? In this movie Sonic stops time. He’s that rad, and that’s going to be a satisfying conclusion even after he’s done playing the drums to Coolio’s Gangster Paradise.
High number of explosions means high budget, which Sonic the Hedgehog is sure to have. If this is just one scene from the trailer, imagine how intense the CGI budget is going to get down the road or perhaps even in the finale. Detective Pikachu showed everyone how focusing on decent CGI can create a compelling world, but they could only do 50-60 different Pokemon through the entire film. This is just over 500 missiles in one scene. What about all the other missiles this movie will almost certainly have?
2. Sonic is Universally Enjoyable
Combine the promising CGI with a vibrant blue protagonist and we have a film to rival James Cameron’s Avatar. And you gotta know that just like Avatar, this film will reinvent 3D – but like reinvent it so hard that it is double 3D. 3-double-D if you will, or 6D for efficiencies sake.
Sonic the Hedgehog is already the greatest movie of all time, you just don’t know it yet. It will win all the awards. Remember, Bohemian Rhapsody won the Oscar for “Best Editing,” Unfortunately this was probably because they had to cut all of the man-love bits out for the Chinese market (and still somehow ended up with a coherent story), Sonic will have universal appeal without even needing to be dubbed.
1. Sonic is a Sex Symbol
To a very select and specific group of people. (extremely NSFW link).