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Here at VIMES we like our comedy. For example, some folks like their strangers tall, dark and handsome, but we’ll happily settle for funny looking. Not saying a good set of knockers doesn’t beat a well timed knock-knock joke, but a good joke will get panties wet with more reliability then diaphonized eroticism.

These door knockers will ensure people will hear you coming. Pun intended.

But what is Comedy? It’s a bit subjective….

Remember that we also accept article ideas, news and pitches, so if you have ever fancied yourself a writer then maybe join us in our forum. (It’s a bit quiet there at the moment).

Find The Funny

At VIMES we try to make sure every article has at least a few giggles packaged within our kick-ass content. Want to write for us? At the very least an article has to feature a few bad puns. Ideally it will also be an interesting and informative piece.

In addition, we make sure all content on VIMES is original. – It is ok to write about or review content created by others, but your take on the content must be original. No republished or plagiarized work at all.

Most importantly. content must have personality. Your personality if you have one, borrow one if you need to.

Topics We Like to Write About

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VIMES likes to think its readership is intelligent. As writers we cover pretty much any topic in as much technical detail as the specific author wishes to impart. Our staff writers are all professionals in various fields and as such we regularly cover Science, Technology and Culture topics in a lot of depth.

Science and Technology can include anything from IT tips to in-depth discussion about new scientific discoveries, or even just some lauding and lambasting of the “science” in science fiction.

Culture content can include everything from TV and movies to internet culture, gaming, music, art, comics, pop culture, design, books, audiobooks, podcasts and crossover content like current and historical international society and culture.

There is not a lot of limit on scope so take your pick and go with it.

Topics We Don’t Seem To Write About (But You Are Welcome To Try Anyway)

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Politics and Sports are NOT banned topics per say; but they do isolate large segments of our worldwide audience and tend to trend poorly. When thinking about these topics consider where it might fit within our readership.

The VIMES audience would rather watch Little Giants over a Giant’s game. A commentary of a State of the Union address doesn’t capture hearts and minds quiet like Harrison Ford kick-punching terrorists in Airforce One – and the later has much more global appeal.

Make a funny about Trump – everyone knows his sweaty orange face whether you work in the White House or are a beet farmer in Turkmenistan. A one liner about François Bélanger wont have the same universal appeal and is going to need a bunch of context (and probably a Wikipedia link).

VIMES is funny, it is not politically correct, it is not afraid to offend and it is not sanitized for family friendly viewing. 

We Still Try To Maintain Some Level Of Class

You can probably get away with watching porn on a bus, but you probably shouldn’t try masturbating. The same goes for content on VIMES. An essay on internet fetish sites would for sure have a place here, however a whole bunch of explicit images just reminds the reader that they could actually be watching porn (other passengers be damned) and it just isn’t classy.

Same with cussing and blaspheming, nobody wants to see a wall of fuck, (the body fluids are off-putting), and excessive expletives are just not that clever…

BUT

A picture featuring a scantily clad lady eating a banana without chewing, while a monkey looks on forlornly would be an amazing visual gag. If your article needs it, then it is going to get included (the advertisers hate it, but let us deal with that).

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We know, bro.

Also, your prose needs to flow, and there is only so many times you can say “defecate” before a sentence demands you drop a deuce. Use the swears, but use them for impact. Casual cussery is for pirates.

Things That Are Hard To Pin Down

There are some things that shouldn’t be on VIMES that can be hard to pin down.

Hate Speech

Is your article racist? Fuck racism, we hate that stuff, – but, (as we keep repeating) we also are not fans of being unnecessarily politically correct. Just because it maybe shouldn’t be said in polite company doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be on VIMES.

Hot tip: If you were angry when writing the content, then it’s probably hate-speech. Don’t do that.

If you were laughing at your humorous prose then it is probably comedy. Do more of that.

Example: a joke about a Klu Klux Klan member having to attend a rally with pink robes, because said robes went through the same wash cycle as a Chinese made MAGA hat, is not a racist joke, in fact it is a pretty tame social commentary and you can probably go a lot darker than that and still get published here.

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It is a fine line though. The movie Eurotrip is probably racist, but definitely funny so it get’s love from VIMES. However, If you found the movie American History X funny than we are sorry to tell you that you are probably a racist.

VIMES has our very own Australian (Leroy Butts), and you had better believe we give him grief for that.

If any of the above offended you then maybe VIMES is not for you.

Same goes for sexist, homophobic, transphobic or content aimed at horse-people. Provided your punch line doesn’t involve an actual line of punches, then it is going to fly with us – just keep it funny.

Smut

If you get an erection (or lady boner) while writing about any of the above, you have probably written erotica. It’s not comedy but damn it we still want to read it… submit!

Or… if you are like us and objectively bad at sex, at least the retelling can be entertaining.

Controversial Content

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VIMES proofreads and edits all content that gets posted. Audiences who don’t want to be offended can go elsewhere.

Advertise with us maybe?

Fun Fact: Our recent 10 Reddit Posts that became legend article was rejected by Reddit when we tried to use it for an advertising campaign on the platform. The reason? controversial content.

The article only talked about and linked to content published on Reddit, but many advertising platforms have much stricter rules than the sites content might suggest. This is also true for advertising networks that publishers like ourselves use to put ads on our page (it’s one of the ways we make money after all). We cannot use Google Adsense ads for example because we would be in breach of their “adult content” policies. Adsense is only available on “family friendly” sites.

Censorship

We recently had to make a couple of changes to some of our articles to comply with some of our advertisers policies, then we said stuff it and changed all but two items back. Those two we kept changed after reviewing our own policies, but we’re going to share them here because they are kind of funny:

In our Reddit article we briefly mentioned “the Fappening” and originally featured the talents of Kate Upton…

But as we aren’t Sport Illustrated we decided to change it to this…

…Because really aren’t we are all hoping for a nude leak that features the Queen?

Our other change was for our great How to Stop The Fappening From Happening article, in which we originally also had Kate Upton as the feature image for the post…

Tits get the clicks…

…and changed it to Barney, who arguably does a better job filling out a bikini.

How To Stop The Fappening From Happening in 10 Easy Steps.

We actually changed this one because Facebook wouldn’t let us share the post with the original feature image. We would have liked to have kept this one as the original because it was the start of an ongoing image based joke.

…but then we found a way around it by converting a pushed-up pair into ASCII art and voilà:

Careful you don’t catch a computer virus from this picture.

Funnily enough, Facebook is actually the advertising platform\social media network in which we have had the least amount of problems sharing our content.

VIMES acknowledges that there may be a negative reception to some content on the site, but that is our problem and we also don’t have to post specific content if we don’t want to.

Keep your article submissions P.C. free and full of personality.

It is recommended you pitch articles to us before you start writing them just to make sure everyone is on the same page however, as we might be happy posting controversial content, but we will not post boring content.

Quality Guidelines

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VIMES will always proofread and edit content before publication. Writers who submit work that needs less editing will get more gigs from us.

Typos are common, it is guaranteed you will notice three the second you hit the submit button and it is our editors’ job is to pick these up.

If your writing reads like it went through Google translate a few times then you might be asked for a revision without us even touching it. We will give most things a reasonable spit-shine before uploading.

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Keep the voice and perspective consistent, keep sentences at a usable length and change up your word use so it doesn’t read like Beyoncé lyrics.

If you are writing a science or informational article you will need to back up your content with citations and\or links to sources. If writing in Microsoft Word use the hyperlink function as it will carry across to our web platform.

Scientific Accuracy

Contrary to some news sources, scientific accuracy really isn’t up for debate so flat-earth, pro anti-vax, crystal healing type stuff wont fly, unless you are making fun of said “science”.

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(Pseudo) Science, Bitch!

Celebrity Endorsements

All our VIMES writers are celebrities to someone. ’nuff said.

Otherwise, keep it fun and funny and as always send your mother our love.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Marsha May

Marsha May is not the porn star of the same name, but you still shouldn’t introduce her to your grandmother. Marsha is a writer and editor for VIMES and has a degree in Biological Sciences. She is an unapologetic nerd and lover of all things science, Harry Potter and Marvel.

You can try and find her on the internet by googling her.
Marsha May

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