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Apparently, Facebook Dating has been a thing since last year, and today the Zuck’ announced that Facebook was about to go all-out Tinder with a new feature called Secret Crush.

The new “feature” apparently involves you selecting up to nine of your Facebook friends as “secret crushes”. If said “friend” also uses Facebook Dating and has selected you as one of their nine crushes, then you both get a message saying you are down to clown. If your crush doesn’t make you one of their nine, or are not actually signed up to the Facebook Dating service, then apparently nothing happens.

That’s right. Nothing happened.

This all seems a little disingenuous, as well as woefully inefficient. While Tinder will let you play the numbers game and swipe right enough times to find someone else who is DTF, the original purpose of Facebook Dating was that Facebook’s algorithms would do the work and just select a perfect match for you. Secret Crush is a blend of the worst bits of both platforms.

Rather than reduce the time it takes to get from randy to regretful (or however normal people describe hooking up), Secret Crush seems designed to only slow this process down. Suspiciously, the new feature’s most useful attribute is probably data collection to make the “match” algorithm work better.

There will for sure be a Terminator sequel at some point that features the Facebook algorithm, physicalized in giant robot form and smooshing unwitting humans together in the evolution of the matching process. In the current time-line however, Facebook for sure already knows which of your friends you want to bone, and which non-friends you want to bone too for that matter. You think Facebook doesn’t keep track of how many times you stalk someone’s profile?

But they won’t tell, if you don’t tell.

Facebook wanting to get involved in what you do with your privates in private might all be considered good sexy fun if not for the fact that Facebook’s track record for security and privacy is God damn terrible.

While being on Tinder is the international symbol of being keen for some peen, Facebook Dating is supposed to be something of a secret affair. No one else can see that you are using the service, and the service will not match you with anyone you are friends with or have blocked on Facebook. While the Secret Crush feature is theoretically the way to get those people you already know (and would like to know carnally), into your dating pool, this is almost certainly going to end poorly for everyone who actually does this.

Facebook historically has made mistake after mistake managing user’s privacy, especially with basic system security. The secrecy of Facebook Dating and especially the Secret Crush feature will almost certainly result in an Ashley Madison hacking situation, with ransoms, blackmail and ruined relationships a’plenty.

But you’ve got to meet people somewhere, and who knows, maybe the Facebook algorithm can find you a perfect match?

Yep. It’s a rape joke.

Abigail Whinn

Abigail is VIMES' resident culture critic. A musician, artist and herald of the apocalypse, Abigail will find hidden greatness and shall spill it forth unto yea, the reader.
Abigail Whinn

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