Before 6’2″ pretty-boy Hugh Jackman did a not-terrible job of playing Wolverine in the X-Men movies, the character had thirty something years of comic-book adventures in which he is objectively short, hairy and not particularly attractive.
Hugh’s turn as Weapon-X ended with the movie Logan, and fans are speculating that the recent Disney takeover of Fox might mean the appearance of the X-Men in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So who would play the vagabond hero? The Internet Says: Danny DeVito.
At the time of writing, a change.org petition to have DeVito play Wolverine has just shy of 30,000 signatures. Comic book Wolverine is 5’3″ and 137 years old and Danny is 4’10” and 74, so he probably is the actor closest in stats to the original incarnation, but we honestly would rather he keep doing what he’s doing on the always amazing It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
What everyone’s favorite barnacle has to say about becoming a Marvel super-hero is unknown, but while we are fantasy casting the next X-Men movie, here are our picks for the rest of the team – filled exclusively from Always Sunny characters.
Note: If you haven’t seen Always Sunny In Philadelphia before, stop right now and go watch it. There are 13 glorious and hilarious seasons so far, and each season is better than the last (with Danny DeVito joining the cast in season 2).
Regular Mac as Cyclops
Mac get’s multiple entries on this list as his character had a lot of… physical development over the 13 seasons. Shades wearing, head of bar security and wielder of “ocular pat downs”, Regular Mac is the perfect Cyclops.
Charlie as Professor-X
We might be reaching here, but at one time or another, Charlie has featured all of the traits commonly associated with Charles Xavier, but the Season 12 episode Flowers for Charlie saw Charlie become a super-genius, who also needed a wheel chair and spoke with an English accent.
It wasn’t the only time Charlie found himself wheel chair bound, and in one early episode, Charlie thinks he has cancer, so, you know, baldness?
Dennis as Jean Grey
Jean Grey is widely regarded as the most powerful X-Men character, and Dennis at least thinks he is the most powerful person in Philadelphia. Dennis may not have telepathy, but his skills in influence and manipulation mean that he can control minds with a power unrivaled in the X-Men universe.
Also, as per exhibit A. above, he can give Sophie Turner a run for her money when it comes to showing off womanly-assets in skin-tight super-suits.
Fat Mac as The Blob
Dude got fat, The Blob is fat, the scripts write themselves. Also, Fat Mac is the best Mac.
Cricket as Deadpool
Neither can die, both are ugly mother fuckers.
Ripped Mac as Northstar
Mac has had a lot of transformations throughout the shows 13 season run. Physically he went from regular sized individual to obese unit, then back to regular, and then, holy-shit-balls he got ripped – a.f.
While his body went through some extreme changes, so did his sexuality. His first season character was into the ladies, and was at least moderately successful at hooking up. He unashamedly chased Dennis’ sloppy seconds for a whole bunch of seasons, banged Dennis and Dee’s mom, did hand stuff with the waitress and railed a pro-life protester enough times to need to suggest an abortion. A few seasons later and Mac was a poorly closeted homosexual with his conservative Catholicism conflicting with his preference for “beef cakes”. A few seasons after that and Mac is openly gay, ripped and challenging stereotypes in the unique manner only IASIP can do.
So why Northstar? well North Star was the first gay X-Men (more like XXX-Men if you know what I mean). He also happens to be ripped.
Sweet Dee as Magneto
Black Mac as Nick Fury
While not technically a member of the X-Men, Nick Fury does feature in many X-Men comics and lets us share this abomination.
Also, Comic books Nick Fury started off white, and then became black after Samuel L. Jackson did his kick-ass interpretation on screen. Black Mac can change colors (and characters) as many times (and for as many sequels) as required.
Sweet Dee as Beak
While only a member of the X-Men for a brief period, Beak is a character that looks simultaneously like an under-developed chicken and an over-compressed scrotum. Sweet Dee looks like a bird.
Frank Reynolds as the Trash Man
Just take him as he is and stick him in the X-Men.
You can try and find her on the internet by googling her.