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Let’s pretend for a moment that you’re the type of person that actually leaves the house. In this imaginary scenario you’re sitting at a bar inside some fancy restaurant and, unlike your normal cheeto-dusted attire, tonight you’re dressed to impress and looking dapper.

From across the room you lock eyes with a stranger, a stranger so alluring and beautiful that you become transfixed and can only gape, slack-jawed in awe as the stranger smiles and seductively curls a beckoning finger, inviting you to join them across the room.

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Heyo!

The blood eventually returns to your legs and you stumble forward, gaining courage with each footfall and your stumble becomes a confident swagger. You reach the stranger and adopt a relaxed, at ease stance, aware but unfazed that all eyes in the room are now on you. The stranger remains seated, looking up at you with wide, attentive eyes, sparkling with anticipation. The band finishes their song and a hush falls over the restaurant.

The strangers lips part ever so slightly and they blush as you brush aside their hair and whisper into their ear.

What do you say?

No seriously, what do you say? Cause damn homie – you ugly, so what ever you do say had better be damn good.

Modern Dating

In this crazy modern world dating is hard, arguably harder than ever before. While the scenario above may have been the norm not that long ago, you are now far more likely to have your first interaction with a potential sex partner through an app like Tinder than some serendipitous real world liaison.

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It really depends on where you hang out.

And while Tinder is definitely a very visual medium, statistics are on your side! Even if you did fall from the ugly tree (and hit every branch on the way down), the odds are good that you will still get a few matches and then you will find yourself needing the perfect opening sentence to seal the deal.

Learn to Flirt

Flirting is not only for the folks who look like Disney Princes and Princesses. Even though you may look like the love child of Dobby and Gollum, a bit of wit, some charm and a good pickup line can still seal the deal. And while we’re talking Disney life lessons remember that even Beast got his Beauty (but don’t go kidnapping young hotties and locking them up in your castle. Frankly, if you own a castle they will probably come willingly).

Unless you also stink like a tramp, being funny and flirtatious is the best work around to a bad case of resting butt face. The secret is all in the timing – with supreme confidence tossed in for effect.

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Resting Butt Face

No Confidence? Fake it till you make it. Avoid artificial courage like you might get from alcohol, slurred words are  a recipe for rejection, you can’t be drunk and ugly!

But even once you’ve found courage, and have curated a selection of enough poorly-lit and blurry photos to guarantee a few matches through morbid-curiosity alone, you still need a great opening line. Doubly so for real-world interactions with that poppin’ shorty who caught your eye at the club\house party\bus stop\burn ward. So for your benefit, we’ve scoured the internet and selected the 10 best pickup lines for ugly people:

10. If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable!

A light, irreverent and fun opening line that if nothing else will break the ice in a way that says “hey this guy is fun, disarming and thinks you are swell”.

9. I’d love to take you out on the town to ruffle a few feathers

Another chicken one but this one is extra flirty and implies that you and your love-interest would make such a good pairing that going on a date would draw the envious attention of the public.

8. Hey, we’re birds of a feather, please come out of your shell!

Wait… another bird one? Who here actually thinks birds are sexy?

7. You’re the chicken and I’m the egg. Let’s give it a shot and see who will come first!

You’re not actually trying to seduce a chicken are you? I have strong feelings about people not doing that. Enough with the bird themed pickup lines please, there is a hard limit on how many times you can suggest bird watching before you end up on your own watch list.

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Cut it out.

6. Hi! I’ve been reading the Book of Numbers and I realized yours wasn’t there!

Woah, ok so we’re off the avian theme finally. This is a great pickup line if you happen to be in a church, Hebrew school or a conference of mathematicians.

5. POOF – I’m here! What are your two other wishes?

In this scenario you are playfully suggesting you are a magical genie and also implying that if given three wishes, you are what your targeted love-interest would wish for first. Yelling “POOF” in a public place might attract the ire of homosexual rights groups and maybe even magicians so, like maybe make it really clear you were going for “genie”, paint yourself blue maybe?

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This…. might be a hate crime.

4. Are you an appendix? Because if I don’t take you out soon I think I might die…

Hey this is funny! But you have to stick the landing, otherwise instead of fun and charming you will just come across as suicidal … and that can freak folks out. Also you might illicit a response about the state of the health care system and that’s not a sexy topic.

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Even Lindsay Lohan couldn’t pull that crazy look off.

3. Excuse me, I think we went to different schools together

Hilarious! Get that number while they’re still trying to figure out what you just said.

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2. Your mom must be chicken cause you look eggcellent

Wait… What the fuck? No. Why would anyone think chickens are sexy? Like if you took someone on a date and they ordered the chicken is this boner material to you?

Are you a chicken-themed Batman villain and that’s just your schtick? If you somehow managed to get someone back to your bedroom, do you drop your pants and proclaim “you like chicken? Well check out my cockadoodledoo.”? Don’t do this. This is ridiculous.

1. If you like chicken – wait, come back! I haven’t shown you my penis yet…

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Ugh… enough said.

Steve Muturi

M.O.A.T "Master Of All Trades"
Steve Muturi

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